The Story of My Relapse

By Nur Afiqah bte Mohd Azman

It was in April 2020 when the Covid-19 pandemic hit Singapore. I was in my room and crying profusely due to the emotional pain that I had to endure. I did not not know that having a relapse is painful. I was hospitalised in May 2020 due to suicidal thoughts. It was not an easy journey for me as I was utterly confused about my recovery journey. My hallucinations came back and it was tiring to imagine imaginary being around me. It felt like my mind was on auto-pilot. I endured anxiety for a few months. I could still fall asleep. My anxiety will start in the morning all the way till night time when I fall asleep. I prayed desperately for God to heal me because I could not take the pain anymore. 

It was on the 15 September 2020 that changed my life. I was having drama class with Yohanna on that fateful day. There was a lot of humor in her class and it struck me that humor has helped to deviate my mind from hallucinating. So, I tried to remember the humor and decided to link it to remembering good and positive memories which has helped me in my anxiety tremendously. What I did is to visualise positive episodes childhood memories and other recent good memories and play it many times in my mind. This helps to rewire my brain to enhance the positivity pathway and to stop the negativity pathway from attacking my mind. 

Now, I am pretty much alive. I did not have to depend on medication for my hallucinations and anxiety. I hope that this story inspires you that recovery is possible and is real. Just do not give up. It is more of trial and error to see which one works for you better. It is okay to feel despair if things do not work out for your recovery. It takes time. The success is sweet. I will always remember this moment of recovery. 

I learnt resilience through setbacks. I learnt to be patient in time of challenges. Challenges are there to toughen us up. It is not a bad thing. The more we avoid challenges in life, the more it will come to you. I hope that you can embrace your challenges with a good heart and patient and learn a thing or two about yourself. It is important to learn about yourself to achieve personal growth and there is a need to have a hunger to learn new things to maximise your potential. 

Do check out my photography and writing website at nurafiqah.com that can hopefully inspire you to be the best version that you can be. Good luck with life and have a good day!

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