By Naddy Yddan

Is when you are at breaking point and you look around you to see that there is not a single person you can turn to.

Is when your chest is tight and you are fighting to breathe and curb your anxiety. Typing with one hand while the other hand is on your chest to calm yourself. All this while still conversing with people at lunch, at meetings. For an entire day. And to realise that not a single one of them guessed or even had a clue of the battle you are fighting within.

Is when your emotions are at its peak, you are bursting with anger, frustration, hurt, pain. Your eyes begging to tear. But letting it out would mean hurting others, would mean being labelled mad. So you suppress it all in to let it kill you inside, suck the energy out of your mind or at least what’s left of it.

Is when you are at such a breaking point filled with pain and anger but even if there is someone you trust you are unable to let out without opening a can worms, or worse hurting them in the process. And so you stay silent once again. Not confiding even to the ones you trust because there is really no one you fully trust that you can pour out too. Even if you have someone you are so drained of energy you can barely even speak about the things.

Is not having the warm hug or touch you need at breaking point, not having a person you can curl into, to tell you they are here and they will protect you. To shut the voices screaming at you to go kill yourself, or to take a knife and stab yourself, or to throw your stuff around, or to bash the wall, or to rage scream and punch someone in the face.

Is knowing that these moments are not rare, that you will be stuck with these thoughts and emotions and really the only one who can be there for you is yourself. No therapist or doctor can save you at that point or take the pain away from you.

It never leaves you alone.

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